Part XLVII:

Where to go from Here?

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  Praise the LORD, my soul;
   all my inmost being, praise his holy name. 
Praise the LORD, my soul,
   and forget not all his benefits— 
who forgives all your sins
   and heals all your diseases, 
who redeems your life from the pit
   and crowns you with love and compassion, 
who satisfies your desires with good things
   so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.

~Psalm 103:1-5 

     That night Alex had picked up Sarah at her home. 

On their phone conversation she told him that she wanted to see him for she had something important to share.  The usual enthusiasm in her voice was missing and upon picking her up this evening he couldn't help but notice that beyond her strained smile she was sad. 

     Now driving to a nearby coffeehouse with her by his side he tried to keep a clear head, yet Alex couldn't shake the feeling that she was getting ready to end things.

     The atmosphere was thick with unspoken words and while Alex waited for her to speak he found himself in the grips of mixed emotions, but he was aware that somewhere deeper within he was at peace.  He purposefully determined not to let his emotions get the better of him.  

      Alex knew that even if she couldn't see how they deserved a chance, he saw it and would encourage her to reconsider without forcing the issue.  He just wanted to ensure she knew he wasn't expecting perfection, which apparently was a concern for her as she had adamantly stressed that she wasn't perfect more than once.

     Just then she called his name, “Alex.”

     “Yes?” he asked as he turned to look at her. She quickly glanced at him then back out the window.  There was such sorrow in her voice and face.

     He turned to the road again and waited for more. Never turning from the window she continued, “I’ve been thinking about us.”

     “Me too,” he quickly interjected, then waited for more.

     Silence.

     Barely able to stand it any longer Alex pulled into a parking lot and parked. He then turned to her and asked, “Sarah, what is it?” unsure if he wanted to know but knowing he had to.

     She was facing the front window now, head bowed low. “I really like you…”

     His heart leap.

     “But…”

     Oh God that doesn’t sound good, he thought and braced himself for what would come next.

     “I don’t mean to be getting ahead of it all but we are Christians and I think we need to consider how compatible we may be if we were to continue dating.”

     He nodded and held his breath. He thought they were wonderfully compatible. If he did not know God as He knew Him he would probably think it was too good to be true. Did she not feel the same?

     Slowly tears started streaming down her face, “I can’t have children and if our relationship were to progress I couldn’t deny you children of your own…”

     Alex waited for more.  When nothing else came he thought, That’s it? Enlightenment and understanding then flooded his soul. He had never told her that he couldn't have children either. Once he found out she was unable to have any his condition no longer seemed to be relevant, although now he realized how important it still was. She didn't know that and just like he had been thinking of her in regards to his condition, she was thinking of him as well. 

     “Sarah…” he started softly. 

     Upon hearing him call her name she turned to look straight into his eyes, her tears were flowing faster now.     “I can’t do it Alex. When I’ve gone out with men before it really hurt to hear them talk about having children one day when I knew I couldn’t give a man the most precious gift a woman can give him. I can’t do that to you, please take me home.”

     His soul was flooded with love for this woman who, in her ignorance, chose to deny herself for his happiness. Her experience and words were so similar to his own that he was intimately acquainted with her heartache and fears.   

     “Sarah…” he called again as he reached for her hand, but instead of finding comfort from the gesture she pulled away.

     She then turned to stare out the side window again and whispered, “I’m sorry Alex. Please take me home. You really need to prayerfully consider what I just told you. This isn't something either one of us can easily overlook."

     “I can’t have children either,” he replied softly.

     As if he had shouted the words, she instantly and vividly froze, then slowly turning to him she waited for more.

     “It’s true, your experience is so similar to mine it's uncanny...and I feel the same way.   How can I deny any woman that longing from her Creator to be a mother?  How can I deny her a child of her own?”

     Sarah was searching his eyes as he spoke and knew she was looking straight into his heart. There was no denying the truth and pain she saw there.  She was astonished and marveled at what she felt was God’s master plan.

     Sarah then threw her arms around him and cried on his shoulder.  It was a release of all the pain and fears she had carried throughout the years.  Alex was also feeling a similar release and with the depths of all he had in him, he then said, “I’m sooo sorry.” Her body shook from the sobs that came stronger now and Alex held her tighter as he allowed tears to fill his own eyes.

     Just then there was no denying the presence of God that entered the car and they sat there like that for what seemed like an eternity, each allowing their pain to surface and their tears and God to wash away the anguish of their past.  Alex then had a flash of a vision.  Water was flowing onto a shore and in his spirit he heard the Holy Spirit share the word "cleansing" with him.

     When the waters had come to a standstill Sarah was the first to slightly pull away. He brushed the tears from her eyes and was about to kiss her, but as difficult as it was he pulled away feeling he would be taking advantage of the vulnerable position she was in.  

     Sarah did not miss the vulnerability in his face and his desire to kiss her.  He was obviously showing alot of restraint and she figured correctly when she thought he did not want to take advantage of the situation.

     Instead, Alex then asked, “Shall we be on our way or would you still like to go home?”

     “I want to go with you,” she replied a bit shy now but vividly happy.

     At hearing her response Alex flashed her a huge smile.  He then turned the key in the ignition and as the car came to life he thought joyfully, Yes Maria, this one IS flesh of my flesh and bone of my bone! 

Part XLVII:  The Confessional Booth