Part XLIV:  

Fair Play

And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.”  ~Mark 11:25     

     “You don’t come over anymore. You don’t call, and you’ve been hanging with them instead of us. What’s going on Jim? Are we not important enough for you. Have you too become too good for us now.”

     Where Jim was quick with anger, Brian was on assumptions and when they were together it was Brian’s assumptions that often fueled Jim’s anger. When Jim had first settled into their neighborhood Brian had taken him under his wing. Disillusioned with his former neighborhood and still nursing the wounds he had received there Jim was easy prey. Without much effort on Brian’s part he easily bought into Brian’s vision for the community as a whole. All Brian had to do was supply him with the fuel and Jim hurts would do its part in igniting his flame.  He had been so ripe that it was as effortless as the stroke of a match on gas.

     Jim was just getting off from work when he received Brian’s call to join him for a beer at the local sports bar just outside their community. In truth, Jim wasn’t feeling up to it but he hadn’t seen his friend since that skit Alex had pulled on him and he had been feeling bad about it. Jim wasn’t usually one who was easily weighed down by guilt and shame. He had his fill of that noose around his neck when he had lived across the street with the “robots”, as he sometimes referred to his neighbors, and he had worked diligently with the Lord to overcome it. Although now sitting across from Brian who was raising the subject he had hoped to avoid, and knowing he had deliberately kept his distance from him and the others, guilt and shame began to wash over him.

     It wasn’t that Jim thought himself superior, or they less important, he was just seeing things differently.  Equipped with a deeper, personal understanding, his heart, as if of its own volition, had taken an unforeseen turn.  He knew it had to do with his newly expanded and deepened vision and although he still felt strongly about revolution, as of yet he did not know how to reconcile the two. These fresh insights were all still so new to him.

     “Brian, it has nothing to do with that, I’ve just had a lot on my mind.” Jim offered by way of explanation.

     “Yeah, I know what you’ve had on your mind,” Brian replied derisively. “I’ve seen you and Camille together. You getting some action there?”

     “Now what kind of a question is that?!” Jim asked in annoyance.

     Although surprised that the question had gotten a rise out of Jim, Brian was glad to see him stirred again for he did not recognize his friend.

     Who was this meek character that stood in front of him?

Who had robbed him of his flame?

     Brian felt threatened by Jim’s new demeanor. If the leader of their resistance was having doubts, what could this mean for the rest of them? No, this was crazy. They had worked too long and hard, and there was so much good that came out of it. Look at all the freedom and rights they now enjoyed, they need not back down now. This revolution could change the whole community and give them greater personal recognition and clout.

     In Brian’s eyes, Jim was too important to the cause they had already greatly invested in. Jim had alot of influence amongst them, especially with the youth that were easily impressed and really liked his ideals and progressive thinking.

     Brian continued, “When did a question like that ever bother you? Jesus Jim, please don’t tell me they’ve got a hold of you again,” then sitting back in his chair and taking a large gulp of his beer he continued while deliberately avoiding Jim's eyes, “I don’t blame you, you know. Every time I get around that woman I get all hot and bothered, that I can understand. I’m just wondering if she’s got a hold of more than your…”

     Just then Brian nearly jumped out of his skin as he heard a loud pounding noise and the distinctive sound of glass shattering. His insinuations had pushed Jim over the edge and he had reacted by slamming his glass down on the table. “You’re crossing the line Brian,” he sternly warned.

     For the moment Brian kept quiet, apprehensive of Jim’s wrath falling upon him, but it wasn‘t too long before he continued to push his buttons. This was something he was familiar with for by now he knew what set Jim off, like the idea of another’s liberty and rights being robbed from them.

     “So now there’s a line?” Brian asked sardonically. “Are you kidding me? When do we live by boundaries? Do, tell me about this line…” he went on with an air which contradicted that he was interested in the topic, except as a means of amusement. Although he was still apprehensive about being the object of Jim‘s wrath, Brian meant to keep it going in the hopes of reviving the old Jim.

     With a good deal of personal restraint foreign to him, Jim replied, “The line that respects their neighbor’s personal space.” 

     Sensing Brian wasn’t going to let up Jim threw a twenty dollar bill on the table to cover his beer and the mug he had broken. He then left the bar before things got out of hand.

     With deliberate strides he made his way to his bike, but when he had reached it he thought it best to first walk off some steam and work through his thoughts. Only then did he become aware that he had cut his hand. Swearing to himself he then reached into his pocket for a napkin and wiped the bloody spot. After doing so Jim could see that the cut was not a serious one. Even so, he worked on stopping the steady stream of blood while his heart cried out, “That wasn’t fair.  How could he judge me like that? Did he not see me?  Did he not see my heart?”

     As the thought surfaced he suddenly remembered Reuben’s words, “It isn’t about fair. It’s about love. You think it was fair for Jesus to die on the cross for us?”

     Oh, he understood what Reuben was saying then and it had its intended effect, but now his heart had a rebuttal he recognized for it often weighed on him when in the midst of these things.  “Isn’t God a God of justice too? Didn’t the bible speak of fairness too?” 

     When did I become foe? he then asked himself, Is it just because I’ve been seeing things in a new light? How narrow-minded was that? One’s character was more than a certain surface way of seeing or prescribing to…the character of a man consisted of what lay in the deep recesses of his heart.

     As these purely honest thoughts flowed from the depths of his own heart where neither mere knowledge nor the thoughts of ramifications could change its makeup, Jim suddenly realized that not very long ago he had engaged in the same obtuse thoughts and attitude. How short-sighted his vision had been and how quick he was to judge others' intentions. He shook his head and laughed at the irony of it all. Appears his journey into seeing things from another’s perspective was still ongoing as he continued to get a taste of his own medicine. Maybe that’s what fairness was. Jim then realized that if he continued to desire fairness he would have to pay for his mistakes, of which were plentiful.

     Well, how can I resent him, or hold a grudge against him? Jim asked himself. Haven’t I dealt my share, and then some? How can I hold a debt against others when I have been forgiven much?

     It was with those thoughts that came from a deeper understanding within his heart that the embers of his anger began to die and by the time he had returned to his bike he was in a much lighter frame of heart and mind. For a brief moment Jim thought of going back in and clearing the air with Brian, but he had a hunch that right now Brian was only seeing losses and would not be open to looking beyond that, and that still weighed on his heart.  Instead, he mounted his bike and headed home eager to pray for his friend and their now strained relationship.

Part XLV:  Motives